This review contains spoilers.

Every once in a while, I like to chill on my porch with a cigarette in one hand and a can of piss-cheap energy drink in the other and ponder random stuff like a pseudo-intellectual geezer from an old-school movie. So, one day, while inhaling my favourite cancer-inducing chemicals, I began to wonder: have I become too cynical and critical about anime? Maybe I need to loosen up, be more open-minded, turn off my brain and have mindless fun, as they say. Considering that it might be the case, I let out a big sigh, took a swig of that delicious carbonated diabetes-like beverage, headed to my crypt-esque room and booted up the absolute joke that's Ninja Kamui to get those silly thoughts out of my head. Cutting it some slack and being less harsh? You've got to be shitting me. Even though it did suffer from some issues behind the scenes, that doesn't mean that we ought to overlook its bullshit. But I'm getting way ahead of myself, so I should take a step back, take one big, deep breath, and dissect this stinky corpse of an anime to find out what kind of gruesome, inhumane crime we're dealing with.

Ninja Kamui kicks off with what can only be described as an absolute sugar rush of a premiere. Blood splattering all over the place like a bunch of confetti from a pinata, blades striking against shiny armour plates, kick-ass insert songs blasting in the background with their intense and energetic notes, and a surprisingly well-put-together, well-coordinated and well-thought-out fight choreography; with fight scenes like that peppered throughout the first episode, it's no wonder why so many folks were hyped to see what else the anime had in store for them. While I don't find the episode that impressive on its own—it feels like half a dozen episodes condensed into one and a lot of its emotional beats are fundamentally hit-or-miss—its vigour and confidence are very contagious, and it hooks you in without breaking a sweat. If the show'd maintained this level of excitement and energy throughout its run, it could've been a fun, undemanding and easy-to-digest popcorn flick. But alas, that didn't happen, as this is where the positives come to a screeching halt. Yes, the second the first episode wraps up, the rose-tinted glasses of hope and promise come off, and the grim reality hits you in the face like a brick. The initial bombastic nature of Ninja Kamui almost immediately wears off, which leaves us with a mishmash of random events and half-baked ideas sellotaped with not a speck of cohesion in sight. You see, the show struggles with a severe identity crisis; it basically can't figure out what it wants to be. Does it aim to be a bloody and gory revenge story about an exiled ninja seeking payback for his family's assassination? Or does it desire to be a tad bit more complex and intricate mystery thriller with whodunnit undertones? Or perhaps it strives to be a CGI mecha clusterfuck with human-sized robots duking it out and some international conspiracies sprinkled on top? It tries to be all these things at once, and, let me tell you, the outcome is anything but pretty.

I genuinely despise it when series go down that road because, more often than not, it ends up feeling like too many people are tampering with the script, turning it into this bizarre amalgamation of completely unrelated visions and aspirations. Of course, there are numerous examples of anime that have arcs that are very different tonally and conceptually from the rest of the content (Frieren is a great recent example of that), but the key difference between them and Ninja Kamui is quite subtle yet crucial: decisiveness. While Frieren or other shows are extremely confident in their genre shifts and allocate just enough time to make them work, Ninja Kamui does everything in a very half-assed manner, as it offers no breathing room for both its ideas to fit smoothly and flow with grace and for its viewers to get accustomed to the changes. Here, the transition from one genre to the other is as seamless and smooth as munching on a pile of dirt and washing it down with a glass of sewage water. In episode 1, it's all about the ninjas and their brutal battles to the death. By episode 2, we're already balls-deep in an FBI-led investigation into a spree of murders that are linked to the mysterious organisation we're spoon-fed about. Then by episode 5, we're forced to watch clashes between clunky humanoid trashcans, with some of the weirdest blocking and choreography I've seen in a while. Once all the pieces of the puzzle are in action, Ninja Kamui decides to blend them all and feed the viewers that disgusting, mushy and slightly sticky slop. Nevertheless, at this point, there's legitimately no incentive to care about anything happening on the screen. Those interested in the ninja stuff didn't appreciate the genre switch and left. Fans of the more detective work scenes, seeing that they were a one-time gimmick, quickly bailed. The few people who genuinely respected the show's direction and welcomed the mechas and the shady businesses of AUZA had nothing to chew on and were sorely disappointed by its sheer clumsiness and emptiness.

The characters don't fare any better. They come across as a bunch of run-of-the-mill caricatures without any visually appealing characteristics, understandable motivations, or compelling traits to speak of. The antagonists are like those one-dimensional Saturday morning cartoon baddies; they exist solely to spout the same annoying one-liners over and over again and be total dickheads to the protagonist until they're inevitably and soundly defeated by him. They're utterly devoid of personalities, goals or ideals, and, better yet, the show desperately tries to humanise them at the eleventh hour as a last-ditch effort to artificially raise the non-existent stakes and inject some emotionality into the fight scenes. How cheap! Of course, it's not just the villains; the rest of the cast grapples with a very similar set of issues. Higan always conveniently finds a way to be rescued and obtains the power-ups required to overcome his adversaries, Mari somehow receives more screen time than other supporting characters vital to the plot despite being dead for the entirety of the story, Emma meets her end in the most hilarious way imaginable, and every other character associated with Higan is a cardboard cutout with a singular purpose. How can I be invested in the narrative when these are the characters I'm stuck with?

Perhaps it'd be easier to overlook their lack of quality and refinement if the narrative itself had some substance, yet as you've already determined, that's not the case here. The frequent genre shifts and the overabundance of ideas are a massive roadblock for the series, and they halt its progress time and time again. However, to suggest they're the only thing holding it back would be quite naive. The anime constantly attempts to punch above its weight, pretending to be far grander and smarter than it truly is, but these feeble efforts are pitiful at best. AUZA, the ninja organisation, and every single theme they represent are portrayed in such a dishonest and unconvincing fashion that I struggle to see them as anything more than a cheap way of adding depth. The motifs of loyalty, family, foreign influences, nationalism, honour and all that jazz—fascinating and compelling in a vacuum—are rendered absolutely eye-rollingly insipid and ill-fitting to an extreme degree, since, news flash, themes become commendable and respectable when thoroughly explored and permitted to thrive; by treating them as mere additives, the narrative takes a massive hit. Seriously, though, not every show needs to be chock-full of thought-provoking or striking ideas to be effective and efficient. Truth be told, all it needs is to understand how to strike a good balance between its various components or fully embrace its plainness and keep things simple and basic. Nonetheless, Ninja Kamui shits the bed on both of these fronts; it's neither a fun no-brainer nor a brainy action-packed thriller. It's merely a gigantic failure that betrays your expectations and lets you down.**

When it comes down to it, the show's gravest offence is how unfathomably boring it is. Despite advertising itself as an exhilarating and undemanding escapade, it's actually a far cry from what was initially promised. No matter what it threw my way, I remained entirely disinterested. From the fights to the conversations between the characters to the lengthy exposition dumps, everything was extremely painful to watch. Funnily enough, I even dozed off in front of my laptop not once but twice while watching it, which might be the biggest criticism I can ever direct towards an anime. Bravo, Ninja Kamui, you're not only horrible but also utterly unwatchable; well, you could say that it's at least good at wasting your time. Ah, I have no clue what more can be said about Ninja Kamui and its antics. It's genuinely dreadful, but in a peculiar way. You can't quite put your finger on what exactly makes it so rubbish, yet, deep down, you sense that something is fundamentally wrong with it. It tries to juggle too many things at once and falls flat on its ugly face as a result. Just skim through a few of its earlier fight scenes on YouTube and call it a day. There's no point in subjecting yourself to this mess.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch something actually worthwhile.