Kiki Haruma hates herself. She hates herself, resents her body and believes her personality to be the worst. A belief that is so rooted in her mind that makes it so that being loved by others the way she wants feel like an impossible thing to reach, or perhaps, to be more precise, an undeserving thing to long for. Since little, she aspires to be beautiful, to shine like a princess and to be kind to all those around her. Fascinated by those ideals and inspired by her older sister, she immerses herself in the world of social dance.
As one of the main leads and the character the story takes the point of view most of the time, it's directly shown time and time again how hard it is for Kiki to feel worthy, not because she doesn't have confidence in her abilities, but because of how wrong it feels to have people look at her the way she wants to be looked at and loved as. And it's reflected in almost every corner of the manga, with the side characters not only being influenced and changed because of Kiki's journey, but also serving as different looks at how self-hate can influence a person's relationship.
Michiru, the other main lead, struggles with her appearance and how unable she is of being seen as the way she desires, much like her dance partner, but differs in that she doesn't think what she wants is wrong. I find the decision to make it so that they both had met before a poor one that doesn't really add to any of their characters, but it doesn't take away from how well Michiru complements Kiki. The pairing truly clicked for me when, in an event where both are dancing together in public for the first time, Michiru gets nervous and can't do it. Not Kiki, the girl the story portrays as the ball of insecurity that questions everything she does, but the confident, straightforward and assertive Michiru.
Despite my current love for the series, I admit the first volume didn't grab me immediately, and I wouldn't be able to accurately say if it's my fault or if the series truly doesn't have the best beginning. But what I do know is that I saw the protagonist as a bit of a one-note character that the story continuously hammers with "She is insecure about her height. Did you know she is insecure about her height? This is her only character trait." and... maybe the story never really stops doing that, is the thing.
This is one of those stories where if you connect with the characters, it works and if you don't, it doesn't. Its art wasn't appealing to me and it didn't have a gripping premise to suck me in. It was, for all affairs, a standard high school romance with drama and a unique hobby to differentiate itself from its peers. And for some, that may work, even though it's not what would make me like a story. But Haruma connected with me a lot. And this is where I think The Skirt Sings at The Landing justifies its existence as a romance. Because I also hate myself a lot, and I'm learning how to not let it ruin my relationship with those around me as much. Because the woman I love, just like Michiru feels about Kiki, loves me.
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When the story really starts to dive into romance, the self loathing from our protagonist really starts to take center-stage in a new way. She can dance with Michiru, sure, of course doing an action is one thing, you can focus on the task and not have to worry, it's not the task itself that worries you after all. You can do the stuff you need and want to do just fine, if you don't think about yourself, you can live life just fine just by winging it. But what to do when a person wants to share that life with you? A romantic relationship hurts. Because why would we be able to love if we can't love ourselves? Isn't that what you see being said by everyone everywhere? But then, what happens if I can never take that first step, what happens if I can never start loving myself? Do I just live alone forever, reject everyone because I'll hurt them?
That mentality always rubbed me off the wrong way. And for a while, I believed it to be completely right even though it made me uncomfortable. If I don't love myself, I can't love nor can I be loved. It ruined me for a while. It still does. I had a crush on high school that I confessed to and had 0 hopes of being liked back. I was happy when she rejected me, because I thought she deserved better. We stayed good friends until the end of high school and I told myself I was glad for that. In truth, I always longed to be with someone. But I can't, not until I love myself. And Haruma seems to agree with such thoughts.
But the truth is you can't really control these things. Well, maybe you can, but you shouldn't force yourself to try doing that at every opportunity. If a person who you really care about and love wants to love you, who are you to tell them they're wrong for doing so? And are you gonna stop yourself from loving someone cause they're too good for you? The talk Kiki has with her sister when she's back in town messes with me, not to mention the small glimpse of a younger kiki tore me up when I read it. I tried sending the page to someone and I started crying uncontrollably. I hate it, I love it. There's so many characters in many stories with a deep self loathing but seeing a character who actually verbalizes it the way I did with members of my family is special.
And yet, eventually, this cycle has to stop, it needs to if she wants to reach the shine that she desires. Someone who loves her to bits wants to spend time with her, lover or not, rather than thinking about what's correct, she just does what she wants now. She wants to see a movie with her that came out recently, she wants to walk home from school with her and she wants to dance with her in the park. She meets up with Michiru again, and she misses her so much.
All of this and Kiki doesn't really begin liking herself. Her insecurities don't really disappear and it will probably take a long time until they do so, and maybe they'll never truly disappear. But she accepts she is worthy of love. Even if they never truly manage to stay together as a couple, and even if she still has to work a lot to love herself, she realizes the potential is there. It always has.
I'll probably reread this review many times in the future, mostly because it's my first and I'm trying to figure out how I want to write these more or less. I left out so much stuff and so many characters I didn't even touch, like Shion, because I didn't really want to extend this too much. But anyways. In these rereads, I leave a message for the future me. Do you love yourself already? If not, that's okay, I figured it will take time. But I hope you haven't given up on it, please don't give up on loving yourself. And if you already love yourself, I'm so proud of you. And even if we don't quite love ourselves in the future, if it's just a "like", that's already plenty.
