Let's make this review a story of which you are the hero, and hence a moment ten times more interesting that this show could ever be. Yes, that's also why I gave it a 10/100, to stay consistent with my math - a feat more the show cannot claim. Needless to say, I'm granting 9 extra points just for the sake of maths.
Let's dig in.
She didn't look like trouble. But then, they never do.
The school had been decked with boob, and the friendships thronged with political intrigue. Their faces would soon vanish in the dark mists of a long-overdue scenario time jump, but not their lingering feelings. A rock and some chemicals in your bag, you take a book from the old man in an obscure library. Of course he doesn't warn you of the occult powers it shuts away from the audience. Back to your place, you accidentally trod on a spell and decide to try it for seven years. You turn around, and are instantly transfixed by a pair of brown eyes. The girl is a fairy, and a young one: Just a few thousand years and no care in the world for consistent stories. Of course, if only you'd known then what you know now... Here you are now in her hands, pursuing a quest of alchemy, transmuting things as they go through your esophagus. Yes, seven years of your life have gone and you didn't read that book (or did you?), but you have now become the very medium of your magic (or was it alchemy?). "Why am doing this again?", you mutter in awe.
A careless phrase. Heroes don't need a purpose and certainly not you. It's just about the adventure, right? Right, and the bouncing oppai. But we'll come back to this later.
A child approaches from behind. Her name is Jeanne. You somehow feel these seven years have just impacted you physically. Whatever that means.
Fairies pop. Mercenaries come. Village gets attacked. You don't have time to feign surprise. You only have eyes for the flat o-flat Jeanne. Whatever that means.
Fairies die. Mercenaries die. You still don't care. You only have eyes for young o-young Jeanne. Whatever that means.
BUT THEN SHE IS MORTALLY WOUNDED. And the only thing you have in mind is ~~saving her~~/~~avenging her~~/drooling all over her and putting a weird rock in her.
(this picture is asking to be photoshoped, really)
And we really need one there.
As much as the scenario went forward, we need to take some time back to think about who produced this mess. Studio AXsiZ? They often co-animate with studio Gokumi, and this time they decided to go solo. Huh.
The story is from Mikage Kasuga, who also did Oda Nobuna no Yabou. And there I knew something ticked. The plot says it all: "the Sengoku period, [but] where all the major Samurai lords are cute girls". Well, it's all the same shit with Ulysses, you just replace samurais with knights. Actual knight depicted:
Let's put things in order. It's time for the fetish checklist:
You do you Ulysses, you do you.
Have you ever wanted to learn your history lesson, your french lesson ~~and your alchemy lesson~~ at the same time? Do you have one of the above fetishes? Do you disagree with the epitome of Prison School and rather profess your love of the boob? I SAID DO YOU PROFESS YOUR LOVE OF THE OPPAI BROTHERS AND SISTERS?
I know you do. And so does this show.
Ulysses: Jeanne d'Arc to Renkin no Kishi is a show that takes its roots in the eponym light novel by Mikage Kasuga, who has already a past of ~~improving~~ tweaking history to its ~~liking~~ fetishes - but I already covered that point earlier. The story takes place in medieval France and centers on Montmorency (full name Gilles de Rais), a character that really existed. The man was actually even stranger in reality than on screen: versed in the occult and known help of Jeanne d'Arc, he ended up convicted of murdering hundreds of children. As a mad storyteller, you cannot choose a richer character inspiration. And Mikage Kasuga is a mad storyteller. So he tells the "adventure" of both of them as they ~~kiss~~ fight to liberate France of the english invading forces. They will meet countless foes and ~~gurls~~ knigths. A real ~~sex ed~~ history course, I told you.
But all of this would be fine (yes, even the history transformation in a fetish fest) if the show had any direction. Do they liberate France by the end of the show? No. Do they crown the princess? Yes, but it's not shown, they just say crude jokes instead. Do they liberate Orléans? Ah yes, finally, but it's only a half-assed closure that involved a FUCKING RAILGUN FROM SPACE to regain control of the city. So if there is a direction, it's definitely not historical.
Romance? Not a direction either. They definitely rely on the lolicon side of things (which incidentaly was also the… thing… of the original Montmorency. So if there's a direction, it's on the loli side of things.
Action? Oh god not with that animation. I'll let you judge.
Drawing quality? Swords bigger than the wielder are common things, but if you don't know how to draw faces/abs or running scenes…
Medieval fashion? Rather, they grew tired of drawing clothes at some point.
Ecchi then? That's the bait, but (sadly) not the theme.
Suspense? Puh-lease. Throwing WTF every episode is not creating suspense, just surprise. Yes, that counts the Darlifra-like alien trump card in late-season, and the (beautifully drawn) tentacles:
On that note, the show spends a large part around the Orléans bridge (which is justified by history - but not really supported by the storytelling) and doesn't show much inspiration in battles to take it… until the end, that is. BECAUSE YES, THE ONLY SCENARIO RESOLUTION THAT THEY COULD FIND WAS TO DESTROY IT WITH AN ORBITAL LASER IN MEDIEVAL TIMES… I… I don't have words for this. I would have expected anything but alien ships to blow that fucking Orléans bridge. Well done, Ulysse, well done. I don't care that they flipped the whole scenario late-game, but it just has no coherence with the atmospheree setup by previous episodes, and doesn't contribute to build characters either, so it is just bullshit to fill three episodes at that point. So yes, no spoiler. There's nothing to spoil anyway.
"Ship in the Sky"? "Respond to my voice"? REALLY?
French lesson? Yes but don't expect to have a proper conversation with actual french people, or you may end up cuffled and marked as a sex offender. Yes, each episode ends with a "lesson" translated from what a character said in the episode. And no, it's not "surpisingly useful", just… meh. The translation on-screen is actually wrong too, but who cares at that point.
Character development and breathtaking battles? Almost all antagonists are but caricatures of themselves:
The only character transformation that is fitting is the battle-Jeanne, with her upset mood and strength:
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, even after watching it twice. I have found (unsatisfying) answers on fandom wikis (hugh) for some of them, but I'm not writing this review to provide answers (much in a gamebook, you have to answer them for yourself):
The following yonkoma manga is actually a better story than Ulysses.
(actually a collage of paintings representing battles of the Hundred Years' War. Clockwise, from top left: La Rochelle with ~~space~~ships, Agincourt, Patay, Orleans).In Ulysses, nothing happens. Nothing evolves. It's just your common fetishes put in the mixer with some legends and language puns. I wouldn't recommend it unless you want the weird thrill of watching something jokingly absurd (which I do enjoy… sometimes). Morbid curiosity and severe masochism count too. Or wait maybe it's the proper way to teach children histor--
BACK TO YOUR STORY
Two paths open ahead of you. One, thorny, involves watching Ulysses and redeeming your occular virginity (if any such thing exists on Anilist). The other, harder, consists in erasing the stain left in your mind by the extracts of Ulysses contained in this review, and cleaning with acid the now corrupt inodes of the computer displaying these images.
What will you choose?
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