*Contains spoilers for Your Lie in April and Clannad

Person 1: So, do you have an anime for me?
Person 2: Yes sir I do, it’s called Your Lie in April.
1: Ooh, I like that name. April is tight.
2: It is a great month, provided people aren’t stuck in their houses the entire time.
1: Let's hope that doesn't happen a third time. But tell me about this anime.
2: So it’s about this boy who was physically abused as a child by a well-meaning single parent who wasn't in their right mind, and gave up on a life time passion as a result, leaving him in a deep pit of depression that all his friends hate to see him in.
1: Oh wow.
2: But then he meets this off-beat girl with a mysterious illness that’ll eventually become fatal, and he inspires her to pursue the performing arts, and she inspires him to find a new lease on life!
1: Oh cool, so you’re remaking Clannad?
2: What? We’re not doing that, why would you say that?
1: No, it’s a good thing. Clannad was awful, and enough time has passed for a better remake to come out.
2: No, it’s not Clannad, see, the boy had an abusive childhood, but the girl’s parents are super loving and supportive.
1: Do they own a pastry shop?
2: Yeah, why?
1: Do they live there, too? Like in the upstairs apartment?
2: Yeah, why?
1: Do they display their love for each other in over-dramatic fashion right in public in the middle of broad daylight?
2: Yes they do, have you seen this show before?
1: I sure have, back when it was called Clannad.
2: Did Clannad have a violin?
1: Clannad DID have a violin.
2: Well did Clannad have a piano?
1: Nope, got me there. It definitely did not have a piano.
2: No, it certainly did not.
1: Okay, but does the main character a have a male friend who’s more overtly girl-crazy than he is?
2: Yeah, but I’d argue most male main characters have that friend.
1: Then does he have several female friends who are obsessively thirsty for his dick, and would rather die alone than pork anyone else?
2: No, he only has one of those.
1: Aww, poor guy.
2: Poor guy indeed, that’s why I gave him two other love interests.
1: Ooh, what are they like?
2: Well the first one is one of his music rivals, who was one of the people inspired by his performance when he was a kid, and her feelings for him are conflicted between competition and hormones.
1: Okay, she actually sounds kind of interesting.
2: Yeah, so I’m making her a minor character, and only giving her a small amount of screen time.
1: Probably for the best.
2: And his other love interest is a child!
1: What was that?
2: His other love interest is a child!
1: Say that again?
2: His other love interest is a child!
1: One more time?
2: I feel like you should have heard me by now.
1: I did, I’m just trying to help YOU hear what you’re saying.
2: Oh, okay. I see what you did there.
1: So this child. She’s not his little sister, is she?
2: No, of course not.
1: Is she his best friend’s little sister, and he’s okay with her dating him because the main character is just such a gosh darn cool guy?
2: No, of course not.
1: Oh thank god.
2: I told you already, it’s not Clannad.
1: Not that part, at least. But okay, tell me more about the main character.
2: So, he’s a prodigy on the piano, but his dying mother forced him to play in serious competitions for the sake of his financial future and beat him when he messed up. Now he’s become psychologically scarred and traumatized, so he can’t hear the notes when he’s playing.
1: So what, he literally can’t hear the notes? Is it partial deafness from all the beatings?
2: It’s like half psychological, half metaphorical.
1: Oh, okay, that actually sounds super interesting.
2: Right, and his friends care about him, so they try to help him overcome his trauma and find his passion for music again.
1: Oh wow, well, after his dying mom forced him to use his music in a way he didn’t want to and used physical violence as a motivator because she thought she was doing what was best for him, how is he going to overcome that?
2: Well you see, his dying love interest is going to force him to use his music in a way he doesn’t want to and use physical violence as a motivator because she thinks she knows what’s best for him!
1: Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow. Those two scenarios sound exactly the same.
2: They’re totally different sir.
1: And how is that?
2: Well, when his mom injures his head and makes him bleed, it’s going to be framed as dramatic. But when his friends injure his head and make him bleed, it’s going to be framed as comedic.
1: You’re going to use slapstick for this?
2: Yes sir, we are.
1: And not only is the slapstick violence disturbingly similar to the serious violence, it’s going to happen to the exact same character?
2: That’s what we’re going with.
1: So in this universe, an injury doesn’t hurt if you’re making a joke?
2: Precisely.
1: Then when his mom was beating him, couldn’t he have just nullified the pain by saying Knock Knock?
2: Well, no, you see, he was a child when his mother beat him.
1: Oh okay, how old is he now?
2: 14.
1: And how old was he then?
2: 12
1: Wow. That doesn’t sound like much of a difference.
2: No, see, he was really little back then. When he sat on a piano bench, his feet didn’t even touch the ground!
1: I feel like most twelve year olds, if they sat on a piano bench, their feet would touch the ground.
2: Not this one.
1: Well all right then. I hadn’t considered that this particular twelve year old just happened to look like a six year old.
2: Oh, no, they all do.
1: Of course they do.
2: Besides, the child abuse will look more tragic if he looks like a twelve year old toddler when it happens.
1: I’ve gotta be honest, this seems like this would be a really difficult show to market.
2: Actually, it’s going to be super easy. Barely an inconvenience.
1: Really? How’s that?
2: I’m gonna make people cry.
1: That’s it?
2: Uh-huh.
1: That’s all you’re gonna do?
2: Anime fans are suckers for the feels. As long as an anime makes them cry, they’ll ignore all of it’s flaws and practically spam it with10/10 reviews, no matter how mediocre or downright shitty it actually is.
1: Wow, that’s really cynical of you. You can’t actually believe that.
2: What about Angel Beats?
1: That show wasn’t terrible, though...
2: Tokyo Magnitude 8.0?
1: Nobody really remembers that one.
2: Say I Love You?
1: Ugh.
2: Do I really need to bring up Clannad again?
1: No you do not. Whore out the audience’s tear ducts, and we’ll be making money hand over foot.
2: Oh, you bet we will. We’ll even be able to sell it on DVD for 300 dollars!
1: What?
2: Oh yeah, people will totally fork over top dollar for this show.
1: Would this be like a special edition DVD with a bunch of cool bonuses?
2: Nope, just the DVD.
1: Not like bluray, or something?
2: Nope, just the DVD.
1: And you’ll charge 300 for it.
2: Well, 160 for each half.
1: Ah, that’s more than 300.
2: Whoopsie!
1: You’re gonna sell each 13 episode half of the series for 160 dollars?
2: No, of course not.
1: Oh thank god.
2: Each half will only be 11 episodes!
1: Okay, so not only are you going to release a Clannad rip-off that badly fumbles serious subject matter, cover up its flaws through blatant emotional manipulation, grossly overcharge people for physical copies, AND you’re going to short-change them what they’d usually get in terms of episode count?
2: Yeah yeah yeah.
1: Well, I like your confidence at least. We’ll release it and rake in the profits for the short term, but I seriously doubt it’s going to make a good impression on critics or withstand the test of time.
Dramatic music sting, show image of the series being one of the top five most popular anime of all time on MAL