We get another book from one and only Nagata Kabi!
Today, 3/30/2022, I went to my bookstore and they were selling My Wandering Warrior Existence, I was actually waiting for this to come to my bookstore, so hurray!
P.S. I will be sharing my thoughts ( ° ͜ʖ °)
TW: This story contains sexual assualt and ED, I will use + for SA part, and ^ for ED.
Nagata goes to a friend's wedding and wanted a wedding on her own.
She said it was if it was just her, she just really wanted to have that smile and wear a wedding dress. Her mom also wanted to see her in a wedding dress (even there was no hint of actual wedding/marriage), Nagata books a place that takes wedding pictures. I feel like a lot of people dream to get married to someone they love and have romance and become family. But it was really interesting that Nagata just wanted the wedding feels, not actual marriage or longing for another person to get married with. Nagata does the wedding photos, but she was not happy of the tight corset, a monster bouquet, and struggling to smile for the pictures. Honestly would not be happy too, for me I would only want a wedding if I found someone or just for my grandparents to watch their grandchild get married at least.She mentions she hates gender construct, or overly defined (just super gendery stuff). She also realizes she didn't want the joy of the wedding dress, but the joyful atmosphere. "I've been overly defining gender." she says. I think a lot of people do that. Gender is a construct. The norms would be boy or girl, pink and blue, etc. Of course, our world is changing (hopfully). Nagata thought she was fighting gender norms by wearing men's underwear. Honestly? I hope I am too. My homies and I hate gender /ref /hj but gender is so confusing, to this day I find mirolabels that define me but it's whatever yknow?
Nagata is on a quest to be loved, have a actual wedding, and questions about herself, we see her bowing saying "This story might have nothing to do with you... but I'd love it if you were to join me." Now I'm not a people person, or a big fan of people, that's why I love reading memoirs and autobiographies, because I get to know peoples expernices and thoughts through a book. Without connection. But of course, you have to remember that you have to respect their personal life, please don't go casually messaging them like a friend.
Nagata reads a book called Sayonara mo Iwazu (Without Saying Goodbye) by Ueno Kantaro, about how Ueno Kantaro loses his partner suddenly. She was so shocked how two people can love each other so much and thought to be a rare case (turns out it's not). She thought that love of two people cannot work but one day she asks about love on media and she could not believe that was real. Honestly? I'm not able to believe it either, you just really can't know anymore what's real or fake. Or maybe cause I'm on the aroace spec.
Her friend tells Nagata that she is getting married and met her fiancee through a dating app. Nagata signed up on the dating app, but uses her negative qualities/things about herself, such as putting she is mentally ill, mistaken as a boy a lot, etc. Now I don't consider having mental illness(es) as a negative thing, but there's just people who think of it as a turn off because probably unable to handle someone who is disabled or I don't know, probably a jerk. Anyways, She got likes and some messages but got too terrified to open them and was wondering, "Why are people liking my profile???" Now honestly I understand. As for me I am also mentally ill and a lot of times when it comes to low self esteem we tend to give ourselves a bad time by saying stuff about our flaws, our behavior, etc. If I had a dating profile I might be thinking the same thing. I've gotten better of being nicer to myself but it was very relatable that it was just a little bit funny to me.
Nagata got really scared kept changing her bio to make it worse and worse, then ended up deleting the app, and talks about why it was so impossible for her to talk to strangers or even just looking into the messages.
+
When she was in 1st grade, she apparenty followed a stranger because of the rule to listen to adults. She got molested, but she was super scared that she kept crying and shaking her head. After a while the stranger left and she told her mom what happened. It caused a rumble for a while in her school.
She thought that was the reason why she couldn't date, but then she remembers there is people who were sexually assualted but still dated and got married. As a victim, I also feel like this is why I can't date people. I love to date someone I have no problem dating. But along with being aroace spec, I'm not sure, but I don't mind being alone either.
+
She actually just didn't know why people date or get married. She understand of why making friends, but what was the difference of making friends and dating? I suspect she could be aromantic, or maybe its her neurodiversity. There's a mirolabel in the aro spec, but it defined to be unable to know what is romance or what is not. This could be a possiblity for her, but who knows. It could also be neurodiversity, because sometimes we miss social cues, and well, sometimes that isn't good but we try our best.
We reached to the point where she's questioning herself! A lot! uh oh. Gender, type, and sexual orientation. She doesn't know or if she even have a type, next. Gender? She feels like a women, but doesn't like to be seen as a woman, hates bras, periods, likes to be called "sir", but doesn't really view herself as a man, she doesn't know! Next. Sexual orientation! She doesn't know either! Many assumed she is into women (she is but not sure if she is lesbian I think), perhaps she might fall in love with a man (I don't think so), but she doesn't understand the concept of how people switch from like a motherly love to the opposite sex. (It might because of mommy issues, but I can see what she mean)
She gets an email from a reader, the reader hopes for her to love and be loved, and gives her a point of love. They talk about how love can form, such as it doesn't have to start off as romance, it could just be a great bond, or mutual love is formed (love at first sight to be extact), and how the relationship grows just like any other relationship people have. Nagata didn't know that, and she says she might be able to love someone! Thanks to her reader, she realizes that it may not be so far as she thought (the hurdles are all gone and broken too). Love is hard, but just without even it being romantic, its something nice to have. Now we can't go off without human connection and such, so having relationships is defiently important. For me, I think as long I have my founded family and friends, I'm good. Yes, sometimes people do go away, but anyhow, we still manage to find people to connect with and cherish.
^
If you read- actually I am so sorry I forgot what book that mentions that she has an eating disorder, but at some point she really struggled with eating. She thought if she loves herself the most she can be satistfied if its okay. She use to think that she didn't deserve to eat, but now it's more like "I can eat it because I made it myself and it is delicious." Which I totally agree, I think we human all deserve to eat (and need it in order to survive), but most of all, food is great.
^
A lot of parents when they become in their 60's/70's want grandchildren, or expects from their children at least. Nagata thought having a grandchild will fix everything, but her mom texts her about it that it doesn't, and her belief of grandchildren crumbled, but she felt so much lighter about it. I'm glad for her about that, I feel like a lot of people who choose to be child-free (doesn't want any children basically) get pressured to have children, I know a few people who have parents that were pressured to have children, It's valid if you want children or not, anyhow, thats the end of my review, thank you so much for reading till in the end if so haha.