The 1997 film The End of Evangelion is a reimagining of the last two episodes of the 1995 anime, Neon Genesis Evangelion, appropriately named: Episode 25: Do you love me?, and Episode 26: Take care of yourself. The first thing that needs to be understood about the film is that, honestly, it's going to confuse a lot of individuals. The End of Evangelion is more of an experience, and less of a story, in my opinion. Yes, it finishes the plot of Evangelion, and it has a story in general, but the real beauty of the film is in the soundtrack, what you are watching, experiencing, listening to, thinking, and feeling. As previously said in my Neon Genesis Evangelion review, I think people who have had or have mental health issues - specifically, in this specific situation, ones with harsh subjects such as questioning life, suicidal intentions, and other harsh topics really make this film special. In my previous review, I mentioned how Neon Genesis Evangelion saved my life, and this movie was the bow that tied it all together and opened my eyes. Again, some may be a bit biased just from my experience of it, but honestly, that's what this movie is. Before going any further, I'd suggest reading my review of the original series here if you're interested in how the show affected my life and mental state. In my opinion, you can't watch it as a critique. You have to watch it to get your own personal view and experience of it. Unless you want spoilers, stop now, and experience it for yourself. You won't be disappointed.

The movie picks up right after the ending of Episode 24: The Beginning and the End, or 'Knockin' on Heaven's Door, and tells the story of the main characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion, and how they must struggle with the group SEELE as they try to complete the Human Instrumentality Project, all while the Japanese Government has been sent to seize the company of NERV, and to leave no survivors. Shinji Ikari must be pushed to his limit, all while his mental health and will to live are in the zeros. And this is what the movie does so well in the first half. It shows the struggles of how the mind works, and how it can be stubborn, hurt, betrayed, and filled with such feelings that you will want to do nothing, and one wrong move will make the mind snap. With Misato quite literally dragging Shinji around by his wrist as he doesn't even move his legs, him constantly saying "I want to die," or "I don't want to do anything," the movie hit something special in me. The entire time I was watching the movie next to my roommate, I was silent. I remember tears were coming down my face silently, and the movie wasn't even half over. Quotes were spilled from Shinji's lips that were never said truthfully by mine, but they were true.

"I'm done. I want to die. I don't want to do anything."

The story cut deep into me like a knife, and the feelings that Hideako Anno was expressing in this movie were an honest perfection to me. Said again, Shinji Ikari is definitely a self-insert character to me. The words that were said to him, getting into his mind, were getting into mine. His mental collapse was mine, his feelings, expressions... all mine. I know, I know, this review is biased pretty much, as my review was for the original series, but again, I feel like that's why this movie is so amazing. But the part of the story that got me was past the second half: The Third Impact. As Shinji is the trigger of whether the Earth will be saved or the start of the end, it relies on his mental state. And that's where the sheer raw emotion comes into play. For about ten minutes, we get a huge psychological analysis of Shinji's mindscape, and it's horrid, confusing, and real. It's shown as Asuka and Rei talking to him, scolding him, questioning him, all while anxiety-inducing music plays in the background, images that make almost no sense playing on the screen. I felt as if the female cast was questioning me through the television screen to my damp face. It was raw, real, and harsh.

ASUKA: You know nothing about me! Stop bothering me!

SHINJI: I do know.
ASUKA: You do not, you idiot! You think you know the first thing about me!? You think you can save me?! That's total arrogance! You could never know me!
SHINJI: How could I know you? You never talk to me, Asuka. You never talk to me or tell me anything, so how could I!?
REI: Did you try to understand?
SHINJI: I tried.
ASUKA: Idiot, I know all about it. I know you've been jerking off to me. Go on, do it like you always do. I'll watch. If I can't have all of you, I don't want any of you.
SHINJI: Then be nice to me.
REI, ASUKA AND MISATO: I am nice to you.
SHINJI: Liar, you're just smiling to distract me! You just want to keep things vague!
REI: Because telling the truth always hurts others. And that's a very painful thing.
SHINJI: When something's left vague, it drives me crazy.
REI: You're just desperate.
SHINJI: I'm scared of things being like this. People might decide they don't need me again. It's gnawing away at me! I'm always worrying! Say something!

When Shinji decides to start The Third Impact, that's officially when I lost it. I knew I found something truly special. I know this is going to sound so cheesy, that people will roll their eyes, but I found something almost... supernatural about it. The Third Impact, specifically, as it's known: The Komm Susser Tod scene, based on the song that plays in the background of the same name, was made for me... The only way I could ever describe it was that Hideako Anno took all twenty years of my trauma, abuse, depression, anxiety, and confusion, and put it on the screen for one minute. It starts with children's therapy drawings, the flashing of episode numbers, and then the sudden, almost epileptic flashing, of shots from the entire TV show as Shinji, talks about his trauma, and Rei consoles and questions him. Silently crying, listening, and watching, I watched my trauma unfold on a screen right before my eyes. I saw hands grippings, red figures walking and swimming, flashing faces, slow-motion walking and turns, screaming, scribbles flashing over the screen... and it was me.

~

SHINJI: No one understands me.

REI: You never understood anything.
SHINJI: I thought this was supposed to be a world without pain, and without consistency.
REI: That's because you thought everyone else thought the same as you do.
SHINJI: You betrayed me. You betrayed my feelings!
REI: You misunderstood from the very beginning. You just believed what you wanted to believe.
SHINJI: Nobody wants me. So they can all just die.
REI: Then what is you hand for?
SHINJI: Nobody cares whether or not I exist. Nothing ever changes. So they can all just die.
REI: Then tell me, what is your heart for?
SHINJI: It would be better if I never existed. So I should just die too.
REI: Then why are you here?
SHINJI: Is it okay for me to be here?
(Silence)

Throughout the rest of the experience, the last twenty minutes are something that one has to experience for themselves. As Third Impact started, and a beautiful contemplation of life, the meaning of existence, and the eventual rejection of the Human Instrumentality Project, the entire last twenty minutes was - at least for me - the reason I went to therapy. And it's an experience that I think anyone who has had any trauma, or any sort of mental health struggle, should experience too.

Stepping away from my very lengthy report on the plot and my biased experience in watching it, if there's one thing that's absolutely critical to this movie, it's the soundtrack. As in the TV show, Shiro Sagisu created the masterful score for this film, and, to be honest, it's what makes the film so amazing, and worth watching. You can't have one without the other. Without the music score, The End of Evangelion wouldn't be what it is. And without the film, the score wouldn't mean as much. The music is what sets the tone for the feelings expressed in the movie. From the piece Huan to Mitsugetsu, which displays a huge sense of anxiety, to the emotional Komm Susser Tod, sung by the very talented Arianne, a piece that's played during the entire Third Impact, that's sung about suicide, it's a very emotional ride. And with classic scores played in the background, such as Orchestral Suite No.3 In D-Major BWV 1068 and Jesus Bleibet Meine Freude, both from Bach, the score is nothing short of masterful.

When I went into this series, I was depressed and suicidal. My life was a mess, and I thought nobody understood me. The End of Evangelion, with its beautiful score, plot, and visuals with the story of Shinji Ikari, made me re-contemplate my life, and decide to go to therapy. It's a ride and experience that everyone needs to experience. And yes, in my opinion, everyone's review should be a little biased for this movie. Because it's a personal journey. Like a boat, everyone's gonna have a different ride, view, and experience. I'm sorry this was such a long review, and that it's quite catered only to me and my story, but I thought that maybe someone else would relate to this out there. This movie taught me about this will to go on.

As Kaworu Nagisa and Rei Ayanami say in the movie:

But nothing will change unless people act on their own initiative.

That is why you must reclaim your lost selves on your own. Even if you lose your own words, even if you are drawn in by the words of others...

Thank you, Hideako Anno, for saving my life.