It’s the late 1980’s, and a crime spree has spread terror into the heart of Tokyo, Japan. A costumed band of criminals calling themselves Demon Seed have been ravaging the city, committing bold acts of robbery, stealing money, valuables, priceless artifacts, whatever they feel like for the simple goal of filling their own pockets and spending the proceeds. At their wits end, and helpless to stop the evil deeds of these foul miscreants, the Japanese police force desperately accept one crazy, nonsensical, possibly brilliant suggestion from one of their drunk investigators... To hold auditions to find a champion to fight Demon Seed on their behalf, while simultaneously performing as an idol to help them regain the support of the public! They wind up hiring Maron, a ~~thirteen year old~~ high school senior to perform this role, but will her inexperience and lack of confidence lose the fight for the soul of Japan before it even begins?

Assemble Insert was produced by Studio Core, who you have never heard of, and there’s nothing wrong with that. They have kept busy over the years, lending their talents to the production of many popular and iconic anime titles like Fairy Tail, Attack on Titan and even Pokemon, performing some very important roles like Key animation, in-between animation AND production assistance, and I don’t want to downplay any of that, because that is all crucial to the creation of anime, and if I were running an anime studio I definitely would not hesitate to pick up those kind of paychecks, but it is also important to have a few primary production credits on your resume, and as far as I can tell, Core only has two... Kiko Senki Dragonar, from 1988, and Assemble Insert, from one year later. Director Ami Tomobuki didn’t accomplish that much more, as her only main directing credits are of an F-Zero anime series, the Kyukyoku Chojin R ova, and this.

Now it’s not impossible for a director or a production company to have one shot at a primary title and knock it out of the park, so how did these two entities do on Assemble Insert? They did fine. OVA releases usually do get more of a generous budget than televised anime, but less than theatrically released anime, and for an anime OVA that was released way back in 1989, it looks okay. The colors are bright and largely pleasant, the main character has a cute design with a likeable aura, and the rest of the character designs, while mostly grounded and realistic, are still pretty cool. The action scenes look a little stiff and cheap, but there are plenty of individual moments in-between them that are either shot well enough to disguise the lack of resources, or they’re so weirdly smooth and articulate that you’d swear this show was made with Akira money. For a series with only two episodes, the visuals are good enough that even their weakest moments are easy to get through and don’t overstay their welcome.

The English dub was produced by the recently defunct Rightstuf International, and I’m pleasantly surprised to see it was written by Crispin Freeman, who did an admirable job translating all of the heavily esoteric humor, most of which is buried in cultural context from both 35 years aho and from another fucking continent, for English speaking audiences. As for the cast itself, J. David Brimmer is probably the highlight, bringing the best possible comedic delivery to the gruff Hattori, a character who yells most of his lines and almost never has a positive word to say about anything. Much more disappointing is Jessica Calvello as the main character Maron. I’ve said this in previous reviews, but Jessica Calvello has a larger than life presence as a voice actor. She is overflowing with energy and whenever she plays a quiet or demure character, it feels like she’s being restrained, like a hose that’s being stepped on, just begging to be allowed to explode out of captivity all at once, which is honestly kind of distracting in this title.

So, a long time ago, probably in the late 2000s, there was an odd video rental place in my area called Video Barn, and they had some real eclectic curiosities on offer. You know you’re not in Kansas anymore when you’re watching a dirt-budget movie about the horrors of nature where the villain is a topless suicide girl attacking some dude with the sticks and branches she’s clutching between her thighs. I remember they had a lot of anime in stock, as that was where I rented Claymore, and I straight up purchased their copy of Magical Play. I don’t remember every anime I rented there, but I do remember watching Assemble Insert for the first time at the cashier’s recommendation. Not gonna lie, I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand the humor, I didn’t understand the story, and I especially didn’t understand the title, and from what I’ve heard from other people, I’m not the only one. This anime is extremely dense, and despite Crispin Freeman’s most sincere efforts, it is kind of culturally impenetrable... But I am no quitter.

I’d like to start on the bit of context that I find the most interesting, that of a crime wave in late eighties Japan. There is real world precedent for that, as those who survived the horrors of World War 2, and the two atomic bombings that the Emperor of Japan forced America’s hand on, were forced to rebuild society despite dealing with immense loss, grief and trauma. They persevered, and they rebuilt, and since no good deed goes unpunished, the next generation showed no appreciation for the booming economy their elders were able to create, which led them to become entitled and rebellious, and as a result there was a massive rise in truancy, gang behavior and violence, which indirectly lead to the bubble economy bursting without the support of the new generation. This uprising and it’s long term effect on Japanese society inspired two massively popular movies, Akira and Grave of the Fireflies, and I don’t know if it inspired Assemble Insert, but a show about a crime wave in 1989 Japan where the culprits are masked hoodlums with discount mecha suits is definitely going to bother someone who lived through the real thing.

Beyond that, this ova apparently makes fun of a lot of pop culture references from late eighties Japan that aren’t funny without context, and by the time you read what the context actually was, most likely from the DVD insert that flaccidly tried to explain it all, the jokes have already died. There are some references that are universal, and were probably fresh and funny at the time, but these days they’ve all been done both often and better. Yeah, superheroes cause collateral damage, I’ve seen The Powerpuff Girls and Man of Steel. Yeah, it’s silly for superheroes to also be pop idols, we had something similar in the states with all of Hanna-Barbera’s cartoons about Mystery Solving Musicians, and if Drawn Together couldn’t make it funny, neither can you. The cops can’t find the bad guys’ hideout, despite it being super obvious... Okay, that’s a little funny. Apparently a lot of the male stock characters are designed after people who were important to the production of the OVA, up to and including the manga author, who also created Patlabor, sure, why not, that’s going to make some die hard Headgear fan feel super happy.

As for more universally accessible humor, there’s some slapstick and fourth wall breaking quips, but none of it is particularly clever or inspired. Speaking of fourth wall humor, there’s a live action commercial break parody in the middle of each episode, and the characters in the anime are using said product when we cut back to them... I don’t know if the product was real, all I know is that these commercials made me want to revisit that episode of 30 Rock where they did this concept much better and way funnier with some on-the-nose Snapple product placement. Is it unfair to compare the original joke to one that was made decades later? I don’t fucking care, the Snapple bit in 30 Rock was way better.

I’m not saying these kinds of jokes couldn’t possibly work, but the problem is that not only does the humor depend on them, the entire plot depends on them, and if the idea of the police force hiring a superstrong super hero to be both a soldier and a pop idol doesn’t make sense to you, you have no fucking chance of getting into the story. There is no established in-universe reason why their soldier has to also be an idol. I know I said in the plot synopsis that they need her to win the support of the people, but I was pulling that out of my ass. Yeah, people think the police force is a joke, but it’s never established that they even NEED public support to fight Demon Seed. Thus, these are several moments when you’ll find yourself calling Maron’s pop idol career into question. One big one is a concert where she’s too nervous to sing, and through a series of mishaps, she accidentally winds up showing off her strength instead, which instantly wins over the public. So cool, her singing is canonically pointless now. If that’s the joke, then it’s not funny.

Ultimately, it renders the actual story of this OVA incoherent. And I know, that statement alone is going to attract some of you to check it out for yourselves, as there is always going to be a market for randomness and casually surreal stories that don’t make any sense, and there’s definitely an audience for so-bad-it’s-good type entertainment, but this is none of that. The best kind of ironically good media happens when somebody tries to make a drama, or an action story, or a charming kids movie, and they miss the mark in the most hilarious ways possible... But there is nothing more sad, frustrating and overall exhausting than an unfunny comedy. This isn’t The Room bad, or even Dragonball Evolution bad, this is An American Carol bad. The best thing about it is that it’s only an hour long, and yet it somehow manages to be one of the longest individual hours of my life. I can not recommend it even out of curiosity, because while I may not know you, I know that your time is too valuable to be wasted on this.

I give Assemble Insert a 2/10