Knights of Sidonia

And now, Bum Reviews, with your host Grover C. Bum… Tonight’s episode, Knights of Sidonia.

Spoilers included.

OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST ANIME I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

It’s an anime on Netflix, called Nights of Sit On Ya, and I clicked on it because I thought it was anime German porn, but what I got instead was so much more awesome! There’s this guy… named Nagitotty… And he’s running around a futuristic looking society all confused and stuff. You can tell it’s futuristic because everything’s bland looking and white. He’s running and running and doing parkour and base jumping, and screaming about how he doesn’t want to get recycled!

He’s right, you know. In Japan, you’re supposed to separate the burnable trash.

He gets caught and arrested, because he comes from underground and doesn’t know anything about their society… Even though this story takes place on a space ship, and how the flying fluff can there be uncharted areas on a spaceship… But he escapes confinement by hiding on the ceiling!

I told them it would be a bad idea to install monkey bars.

But then they let him go because they’re being attacked by a discount space titan, and he apparently has had a lot of pilot training in the underground slums that have been set apart from society. On a space ship. He’s had flight training on a space ship, but he’s from the underground, so nobody knew he was training. Did I really see this anime, or was that leftover chinese older than I thought? Yah, that’s gotta be it. The nurse is a giant talking bear. I’m definitely hallucinating.

So Nagitotty succeeds in his Attack on Space Titan, and as a reward, they start telling him things about their society. Like the fact that they’re all plant people, who use photosynthesis to eat straight radiation from any nearby star that they come across! Or maybe just the sun, I don’t know, I don’t recall their location being specified.

I… Wanna Soak up the suuuuunnnnnn… Wanna tell everyoooonnnneeee to weed my balls…

And then a girl on the ship tells him she’s genderless, despite the fact that she’s clearly designed to be a feminine character. She says that she has no penis or vagina, and won’t get one until she falls in love with somebody of the opposite gender.

And Nagitotty is like “If you don’t have genitals, how do you pee?”

And SpaceTranny is like “I don’t. I’ve been holding it since birth. If I don’t join some bland guy’s harem soon my bladder is going to explode.”

And Nagitotty is like “Do I call you a ‘he’ or a ‘she?’

And SpaceTranny is like “Just call me one of your many love interests.”

So he gets taken to a classroom where a teacher tells him… And a bunch of other people who are clearly his age… About how their society came about.

I was in a class like that once! I can’t believe they waited until college to teach me that Columbus discovered America.

Then Nagitotty meets four fighter pilots who are touted as being the best and most talented warriors on the ship. And I bet he feels safe, knowing his safety is in the hands of four soldiers who’ve fought together and experienced hell, side by side, and that their continued service will in no way end tragically.

Then one of those pilots little sisters is like “You’re really cute!”

And Nagitotty is like “I have no idea what your advances mean.”

And then SpaceTranny is like “I’m turning into a woman because of you!”

And Nagitotty is like “I have no idea what your advances mean.”

And then one of his fellow pilots is like “I’m the hottest one!”

And Nagitotty is like “Let’s go see the Gravity Festival together!”

Yes, there’s also a gravity festival, because the Japanese will celebrate literally everything at some point or another. But then all of a sudden, another discount space titan attacks the ship. But it’s okay, because they’ve got four elite soldiers on board… Holy shed, they’re all dead!

So the ship jumps to ludicrous speed to get the fluff away from the rampaging space titan, which turns out to be a great idea, because the titan catches up with them anyway, and the turbulence caused way more death and destruction on it’s own than the monster could have caused. I mean, wouldn’t want the poor thing to strain itself.

So instead of running away like pansies again, they send in a bunch more pilots, who are all paralyzed at once, but it’s okay, because Nagitotty flies in and gets revenge for them by being all awesome and victorious and Mary-suey and stuff! He exposes and attacks it’s core to kill it, and… Wait, I’m confused. Are they ripping off Attack on titan or Strike Witches now?

He goes to search for the hottest piece of ass in his harem, who floated away like a Modest Mouse song, and finds her lost in space, drifting in the frozen nothingness… Oh, my bad, it’s not that cold. Science lied to me. They’re together for a few days before she takes off her clothes… Still a better love story than Twilight… And absorbs some kind of sunlight, although I can’t remember if they were near a star or not… And there is no possible way that small ship they’re stranded on can hold sixty days of oxygen, or filter the radiation out of the light she’s eating…

Science! Why u no tell me more truth?

And they drink each other’s piss until they’re rescued. Personally, I would have eaten her by then. I don’t mean I’d cannibalize her, oh no, that would be terrible… but we ARE all alone out in space, and she DOES keep getting naked. There’s bound to be some sexual tension.

Upon returning home, Nagitotty meets his harem. The dead guy’s little sister is like “I’m done grieving, I want your bone now!”

And Nagitotty is like “I have no idea what your advances mean.

And then SpaceTranny is like “Surprise, my intentionally feminine voice hasn’t gotten any deeper…”

And Nagitotty is like “I have no idea what your advances mean.”

And then Plant Nudist is like “Oops! We’re in an enclosed space by accident!”

And then Nagitotty is like “Kay babe, let’s look at the ocean together.”

Yeah, there’s an ocean on this ship that’s inside of a giant rock. I was inside of a giant rock once! It didn’t end as well as 127 hours did.

And then another space titan shows up, and the hot one dies, only she doesn’t die, she just becomes one of the titans! Oops, I meant space titans… Wait no I didn’t! Either way, she’s a gauner now.

And then we find out that Nagitotty is an immortal clone of his grandfather, who’s a really important historical figure, and because of that, he was destined to become the most powerful soldier on the ship. Because being a personality-deprived harem lead with an evil rival who has long white hair wasn’t generic enough. He also has to be an unwitting chosen one who was born into destiny, like Ichigo, Naruto Uzumaki, Yusuke Yurimeshi, and so on and so forth.

It got really hard to follow after that, and I fast forwarded through the last three episodes. I will say, though, for a gritty sci-fi action drama that takes itself super-serious and has a high body count and way too complicated of a plot, Nights of Sit On Ya was surprisingly adorable.

This is Grover C. Bum saying… CHANGE? Ya got CHANGE? C’mon, give me some dollars… Or at least give me some cents, because this series sure as hell didn’t make any. Help a guy out here!