Tsukigakirei

A Wonderfully Normal Story about first love

The ending is so beautiful.... The way it tells the story, the how of Tsukigakirei story was told were extraordinary. The story is simple. The story is beyond simple. The people in the story were beyond simple. The ending is the same happy end that we have seen hundreds of times but it felt special. The normalness of its story were so special. If you were to recount the story, it would go something like. A boy noticed a girl and had a crush on her. In the meantime, she noticed him. She felt something special. He confessed. She asked for time to think through. He did and then he said yes. They started dating in secret. That secrecy was too much. He stood up for their love in front of everyone. Some events happened on both end. Both got jealous at different times. It was resolved. Big life event happened. Fear, hard work, pressure from parents taught them something. Then the end.

This telling of the story is 100% truthful though plain. If this telling of the story was the first time you heard, you'd probably lose interest immediately. Thinking something along the lines of. Man that just sounds like a normal life. It is true but the anime was able to achieve something so special on the canvas of such plain story.

So what's so special about it? To think a story of caliber was able to move me so much. I didn't even believe it. There were multiple times I was moved to tears. It wasn't tears of sadness or anything. I was genuinely moved by how beautiful it was. It was something beyond this world you know. I was just simply observing its beauty and then suddenly was I watching the anime with tears in my eyes. I was happy for the what I saw. So what were the elements that made it special? I couldn't recount the visual elements that moved me but I certainly thought there were couple of themes combined with the nuances that were portrayed amidst the plain story that made it so special.

That list of themes would go something like:

The warmth felt through genuine human bonds: All the relationships portrayed in the anime were so warm. This is a world where people actually understand each other, cared genuinely for each other and trusted each other.

The purity of first love: All the nuanced moments portrayed in the show reminds me so much of my first time with my crush in middle school. For example, caught in the moment of not knowing what to say. The anxiety of not knowing what's going with both the world and you yourself. The only response to give was to blankly stand there and say nothing. Or the moment of quietly checking the phone and become so happy that your crush responded then proceed to celebrate that joy through doing something stupid such as jumping up and down on the bed or hit something. It is exactly these silly little moments that kick me hard back into my teenage years. In looking at how the pair tumbled around but was ultimately truthful to each other and found ways to help each other and express their love and care for each other. I couldn't help but admire that. It was so good. I was genuinely happy for them like really happy to be see them become happy together and grow up together.

The beauty of quietly spending time together: nothing dramatic but just enjoying each other's company. Not much needs to be said. It is the feeling of opening your eyes and see and feel the presence of your love right next to you somewhere in the quiet riverside listening to the stream. That scene of the pair shared their first kiss during the summer festival in the night was so natural and so peaceful. I was so happy to see that. It was special, specially uneventful, uneventfully special.

The awkward phase of self discovery: what does it mean to be in a relationship? What are you supposed to do? what does it mean to strive for something and then not be able to get it? What do you really want? How do you stand up for what you want? How to face embarrassment and how to wrestle with discomfort? These are important questions that you'd need to answer in growing up. Both Azume and Akane found out more about themselves. It was awkward how they tumbled around but they found out what they wanted and genuinely wanted those. They didn't want it because other people want it. They want it because it was special to them. Both understood that and grew to accept that irrespective what would have happened. That straightforward acceptance without complaints were their personality traits that really appeal to me. To see such likable people grow close and together were a joy to behold.

Here are the set of episode specific thoughts and moments that I felt very special:

Episode 7 - Knowing what you want and have the courage to get it

My god they are so adorable together. I am in the middle of watching episode 7 where the couple went to the funfair together with all other people from their classes. The pair didn't make their relationship know and the eveyrone wants Akane to go out with Hira. Azumi was finally able to muster up the courage to stand in front of Hira and announce that they are in a relationship. I don't know why but seeing him become brave enough to do that makes me so happy though kind of unexpected. He knows what he wants and he stands up for it though kind of slowly.

The rest is spent the couple started to actually hang out with each other. They made a note that they were eating together for the first time. It was so beautiful to see how happy they were when spending time around each other. Though not much was actually said, a ton was shown. We got to really experience something special here. This first love dating experience. the proper dating experience that is so "slice of life" so normal is something so special. Think a lot of us have some first date experience like that. Though in thinking of the first proper date where I took my high school girlfriend out for the first time. Throughout the entire experience, I was only worrying about how I should act. I kept checking to see if I was doing anything wrong. I was trying so hard to maintain some sort of ideal image that wasn't event there. To added it all up, I didn't even like her that much. It ended up not being that special to me. I didn't regret it since I really really wanted that experience but thinking back I think I had a crush on some other girl in my high school. I was a horrible person. I was bad to both myself and her. It wasn't fair but I guess I was selfish without realizing how selfish I was. Maybe I knew, maybe all the unhappy thoughts were the universe's karmic repayment to my past sins.

Anyways getting back to the memory lane, I thought there was something special there with this other girl but I guess since I made the decision of not getting what my heart actually desires, it is left in me that I wonder if she felt the same about me. It was a very horrible thing that I did, wasn't it? I only lived and wanted the experience. I didn't even care whom I had it with. That's why it wasn't hard to say good bye at the end. In a way it was a good thing but at the same time I never really struggled, I never really struggled, agonized or worried in this regard. It wasn't authentic maybe that's why "my teenage romantic Snafu" was so appealing in a way. I was envious of HIkki of actually finally coming to terms of what exactly he wanted - he wanted something genuine.

I didn't know what I wanted but it turns out I too wanted something genuine because without which, I wouldn't know that I lived. That's why I had so much existential crisis. I wasn't living. I only lived to get what I thought the cool people would want in those scenarios. I didn't really pay attention to what I want. My heart's voice was so deeply buried that I never noticed. That's why I kept asking who I was who I was. Because without my heart's voice, i wouldn't know me.

Right now the only regret was that I never got to find out whether the girl I actually had a crush on would like me. Maybe in some parallel world, I would have confessed and got rejected. Don't know how would that person felt after that experience. I never really faced true rejection in a way. I never really accepted rejection. In fact most of the time I rejected the rejection and said that I didn't care but the truth to the matter is that if I didn't care, i should really not have cared nor acted in that way.

Now the other regret was my own second confession to someone that I actually liked in my middle school. That's why Tsukigakirei spoke volumes to me. It was a compare and contrast game for me. I had something similar but I was different. i acted different.

Seeing how happy the couple hung out together really put a big smile on my face.

Episode 10 - Acceptance

My goodness Azumi's dad's advice about high school is the most touching thing I have ever heard. I am so envious how understanding of each other the characters are in the anime. I was on the fringe of tears. He had one line. He simply told Azumi that he didn't have to go to a good school. He can go whereever he wanted to pursue what he loves. That's the single most tolerant thing I have ever heard a parent said to their kid. There's so much room for acceptance. He is accepting and he is understanding and he is okay with Azumi. He accepts Azumi for who he is and what he wants. He accepts that about him. That acceptance that understanding that care devoid of the burden of expectation is so touching.

Episode 11 - Understanding and care

The whole bit about the encouragement of learning episode was so subtle and so good. With good family and friend around him to support him in doing what he wanted to do, he was pushing himself to do it. That drive, that simple drive to continue was so refreshingly beautiful. His grades weren't good and he had a simple desire to have good enough grade so that he could be with Akane in Koumei high school. He pushed himself and pushed himself. He didn't whine and he just buckled down and worked. Not too much was said, he just did it. I wish I was like that. I was far too lazy and good for nothing when I was in middle school. My grades sucked and I promised to study lots but most of what I did was just talking about studying lots. I didn't actually put that much effort... I complained and I whined a lot. Why was I so whiny? Why couldn't I just focus? Why couldn't I just stop thinking about how hard it is or how uncomfortable it is at times and push myself. I like that about Azumi. Not much was said but he did. He knew what he wanted and he just went ahead and did.

The parents after seeing how hard he was trying and cared for him to support his effort without any expectation. They cared, trusted and believed in him. In that way I felt vicariously what it meant to be actually cared for, trusted and believed in... It is a wonderful feeling.

His parents and friend didn't care for him out of obligation but genuinely cared for him. Although they didn't agree, Azumi's parents noticed his hard work and drive. They went out of their way to defend the Azumi they knew. His mom saw his hardwork and trusted what he wanted and supported that. That was so good.

Wrapping it up together in all the Omasu Dazai quotes and hope you feel the show was as special as it was:

The feeling of joy is perhaps like a speck of gold glimmering faintly at the bottom of a river of grief

There is such a thing as love in this world. I’m sure of it. It’s the expression– the– etiquette– of love that is so hard to find.

The true substance of love lies in the act of howling words of love with the desperation of men jumping into high seas.